Food
Trader Joes Turkey, Spinach, and Swiss Cheese Wrap
Incredible bland and uninspiring. The sort of food that prisoners would turn their nose up at. I finished it for the protein but it was unpleasant the entire time. I wish I could take back having ever bought it. I wish I could take back a lot of things… 2 stars.
Slackwater SLC
Good pizza. Their restaurant is too loud though, but what can you do. I guess what you could do though is enact some kind of system of walls made of that foam thats like all triangles, a bunch of gray and black foam triangles, that would quiet that place up real quick. But the problem with that is that they have live music sometimes, like they had this band with an electric piano, drums, and this fella that was tootin’ a little jazz trumpet up somethin’ nasty! Lawdy lawd could that white boy play some absolutely filthy solos, the kinda solos that get right down and dirty in your very soul, but not toooo disgusting ya hear, he be keepin’ it smoooooth as butter. But anyways if they had too much noise cancelling foam walls it would be more difficult for patrons to hear that very nice jazz music from across the restaurant.
Probably the best pizza in Salt Lake. Takes forever to get a table unless you plan ahead but generally worth the wait. They really could light this place up a little better. Sometimes it feels like you're eating pizza in a haunted house, but that's not necessarily a bad vibe.
La Casa Del Tamal
Never had a bad time here. Great tacos, great guac. I once witnessed 6 birthday songs in a row here. That’s too many birthday celebrations in the course of 30 minutes but that’s not their fault. If anything it speaks to how good it is that people want to drag their friends and family there for the one day a year they get to pick the restaurant. Still too many birthday songs though.
They are a good restaurant. I enjoy eating their food. When I go there, I usually have a good time. If I don’t have a good time, it’s rarely the restaurant’s fault, and more just something bad going on in my own life that is totally separate from them. I get the tacos. One time I got a quesadilla. Too much bread, but still good, I won’t get it again though. It’s just tacos for me from now on. They have good guacamole. A hispanic friend of a friend said that it is good, so you could say it has the hispanic vote with a sample of at least one latino man. In conclusion, I would refer anyone to this restaurant that enjoys tacos with a delicious flavor.
Saffron Valley Avenues SLC
I’ve occasionally gotten takeout from this place but never actually dined in. It was really well decorated and cozy inside and for how good the food is it’s really reasonably priced. I’m biased since I just spent two weeks in New York where the tip option on every register ipad defaults to “your spare kidney or organ of equivalent value”. Anyway we ordered vegetable samosas and they came with the best mint chutney I’ve ever had. The butter chicken is also very good but could be a tad less sweet. I will be back soon for their lunch buffet so I can try a little of everything.
Meh
Three Pines Coffee SLC
Everyone told me this was the best coffee in Salt Lake so I went in with high expectations. That’s on me for thinking an 8oz mocha would blow my mind but it was really just fine nothing special. And let me warn you, their building kinda stinks. Like idk if there’s like a ventilation problem they’re having or something but it smelled like a sweaty club at the end of a packed night of riotous living. 2 stars.
Bananas
They’re fine i guess, but I’m never impressed by them. It’s like mashed potatoes in a fleshy gogurt tube with a flavor that is somehow both incredibly distinct and extraordinarily meh. I don’t want them to go extinct but if they did it wouldn’t ruin my day. If that happened I probably wouldn’t find out for a long time and I’d honestly keep forgetting that bananas don’t exist. It’s off putting how un-fruit like they are, not an ounce of juice in the whole damn thing. I’m surprised when they dehydrate them they don’t just stay the same. I guess they have potassium or whatever, so thats something, but what the hell even is potassium? I’m supposed to need something I cant even see? Or what, I’ll die? Besides, a nutrient with the word “pot” in it cant be taken too seriously. In conclusion, bananas are boring and worth very little attention from anyone, they’re mostly good for buying once a quarter and never eating them, because at first they’re too green, and then for a window of maybe 9 hours they’re ripe, but before you eat them you remember again that bananas are nothing special, and many more things in your house are more worth eating, and then it gets too ripe so you put it in your freezer like “i guess it will be good in a smoothie?” But then you never make the smoothie because you remember that smoothies are also pretty meh, they’re not much healthier than a milkshake and they make a goddam mess of your kitchen, and then you forget to clean out the blender because you didn’t really want to, and now the seeds from some raspberries have dried under the blades and you cant get them clean so the next time you go to put overripe bananas in the freezer you see the bananas from the last iteration and are now confronted by the complete ‘banana’lity of existence and wish you spent that banana money on literally anything else. 2 and a half stars. Also they’re yellow, it’s like they’re not even trying. Whatever.
Raising Cane’s
So I was given this cupcake at my basketball game because it was a teammates bday. I didn’t want it right away so I placed it in the cup holder. Then I went to Raising Canes for dinner, got my chicken and lemonade and made it home. I had quite a few things to carry out of the car so I balanced my cupcake on the lid of my lemonade. As I got out, the beautiful little cake took a tumble, landing frosting down on the asphalt. All I’m saying is that if they catered a little more to people in my situation and made it easier to balance a cupcake on their drink lids, this world would be a little brighter. Chicken is good though.
Fage Total 5% Plain Greek Yogurt
Some people drink black coffee, I eat plain greek yogurt. You can dress it up with a little avocado oil, vanilla extract, and a few pieces of fresh or freeze dried fruit. The real secret is that this yogurt tastes the same as sour cream, but you can get away with eating it because yogurt is socially acceptable. Minus one yogurt bowl because it's pretty sour, though it's overall very nutritious and travels well to school.
Just plain yogurt? More like just plain awful. Only edible if you do a bunch of extra work that Fage refused to do, like adding berries and jam or crumbling up cookies with chocolate chips to mix in. honestly tho you could do without the yogurt friend and just have a chocolate chip cookie as god intended. 1 star.
Fresh Donuts & Deli in South Salt Lake
Really good, the regular glazed donut was warm and delicious, it’s everything you would want a donut shop to be. Thought about giving it 4 and a half stars but I thought, what, am I waiting for God’s donut?
Trader Joes Squiggly Noodles with Soy & Sesame Sauce
These are the absolute perfect drunk food. Stumbling in at 2:00 am and need something starchy to soak up the booze? Boom, 7 minutes later and you’ve got yourself a meal. I pair it with the”Fly By Jing” Sichuan Chili Crisp for a little extra flavor and spice. Trader Joe knows how to prevent a hangover and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
Tasty with meatballs, and fried onions and peppers
I’m always getting a little snacky around Christopher’s apartment, and he always says, “Why don’t you have some Trader Joe’s Squiggly Noodles with Soy & Sesame Sauce?” And listen, the taste is fine but it’s all starch, no substance. I could see this being the base of a dish but it at least needs some eggs if not some chicken and avocado.
Wildwood SLC
I have so far never been let down by this place. Everything on the menu tastes very fresh and it’s tucked away nicely in the avenues. It can be hard to get a table without a reservation and it’s a bit on the pricier side, but portions are large so I usually end up just splitting a few large starters instead of getting entrees. Why doesn’t every restaurant just have food that’s good like this? Like I would go to your restaurant if the food tasted good instead of bad. Wildwood understands this.
California Burger, SLC
This might be my favorite burger place in all of Salt Lake. Are the floors oddly sticky and the benches graffitied? Yes. Will it take 30 minutes minimum to get your order and in the meantime will you be harassed by any number of marauding local youths? Yes and yes. Despite its flaws if you threw one of these burgers down a steep hill I would go somersaulting after it like that cheese race they do in England.
On 3 very separate occasions I have attempted to go to California burger, one of which I convinced my coworkers it would better than crown burger, only to find them closed. While they keep odd hours to begin with, they seem to be randomly closed. Why do they make it so difficult?
Really a great burger, but it's true. You're either going to have to do calculus to decide if they'll be open when you arrive, or go off the vibe that they'll probably be closed when you think it's a normal time to get burger. You can tell that they don't really want you to come visit their restaurant, so it's best to not make any sudden disturbances lest you be barred from ever visiting again. The traffic situation isn't the worst, but it's certainly not ideal for someone from a little town. You're going to have to dodge children crossing the street, carefully navigate their steep driveway, and make a U-turn.
Good
VIOLET, Sugar House
I was pretty surprised how bad this place was. The food was expensive and it had the vibe of a casual upscale brunch house, but every dish can only be described as entirely flavorless. Like in an almost impressive way. Most restaurants that I don’t like I don’t know exactly how to make the food better necessarily except in vague terms but literally I could go back in the kitchen and show them some pretty basic ways to improve it. Confusing experience overall but didn’t stop me from having a lovely evening with one of my dearest friends.
Chick-Fil-A Cool Wrap
Not bad
It’s lite but filling with 43 grams of protein, tastes good enough, an all around good buy. Was slightly annoyed though that apparently the city creek chick fil a no longer has a curbside pickup in the parking garage. I had to get out in my slippers, and i also wasnt wearing a belt, and go up the elevator to the actual restaurant to get my wrap. The rapid pace of our society’s decline is truly staggering.
Bread Pudding at PB BBQ
Sloppy wet bread, a nice hot dough to mush against the roof of your mouth, though ultimately unsatisfying. Won't be having again.
Albanese Sour Gummi Bears
Albanese has got it figured out. I’ve always enjoyed their other products, however the sour gummi bears are a whirlwind of flavor. Each little bear is coated in a delightfully sour substance that hits the tongue with a shock. And once you bite into one, the sour just keeps going, aided by various warm fruity flavors. Albanese didn’t settle for a just kinda sour coating, and neither should you.
HLTH Code Complete Meal
Never personally tried it but I don’t see why that should matter.
Watching Rebecca consume this bog water has made me physically ill on multiple occasions.
The morning sludge is the perfect breakfast and has been for the last three years. It's chocolate-macadamia nut, which is surprisingly much better than the typical chocolate-peanut butter you find in most protein supplement meals. It's mostly fat and protein, so it's definitely best enjoyed as a sipping experience. If you chug this your intestines are in for a real experience. If consumed at a responsible speed, your metabolism is off to a nice, mellow start for the day. Roommates do not enjoy watching me drink this from pickle jars, but I have found they find it much more acceptable if I drink it from a Blender Bottle. Classmates have thought I was sipping on a sourdough starter. Minus .5 sludge jars because you have to order it online and it's pretty pricey.
The Rose Establishment SLC
This place used to low-key kinda suck. It was crazy expensive and had mediocre food. But about a year ago they changed their menu up and dropped a lot of the prices and now it's one of my regular haunts. The food is pretty good now but they still have a really confusing setup inside where one half is a sit-down restaurant and the other half is counter order. And the menu isn't the same between them? Why would you do that? What's special about that half of the restaurant that you can't just carry an entree 10 feet further from the kitchen? Points were lost for gatekeeping.
Peelerz Gummy Mango Candy
An absolutely perverted candy. Each one comes with a dry and chewy outer casing that is edible but can be peeled back to reveal a solid sticky mass on the inside. Sort of like if a candy was designed by H. R. Giger. Can't believe it made it out of committee. Loved every second of it.
Hawaiian Brand Luau BBQ Kettle Chips
I really wanted to like these but they were waaaaaay too thick. Kind of like eating a BBQ cracker. Tasty though. Put this flavor on a better potato and you got an A+ chip but alas.
| Taste | |
| Texture | |
They had an odd bbq flavor i didn't like, but the texture was great, just the perfect amount of thickness.
| Taste | |
| Texture | |
Pork Barrel BBQ
Great little spot two blocks from my house. Can't get food this cheap and good in DC, gotta go out to Virginia
Tonchin NYC
I ate here with my coworkers so I’m biased by the fact that it was free, however, this was the best bowl of ramen I have ever had my god. The pig in my soup should feel HONORED to have been served to me enrobed as he was. I unfortunately must knock off a star from an otherwise 5 star experience for the exclusive use of a QR code menu. It’s harsh but I have to stick to my principles.
Ragtrader NYC
Ragtrader is a bar in Midtown. Pretty good drinks but pricey, and they seemed to make them a bit too fast. You know how when something good gets made a little too quickly and you're left wondering, "What corners did you cut to do that without a couple extra minutes?" It was that sort of experience. Not too crowded though and I sat at the bar and chatted with a friend until they almost kicked us out.
Drinking cold water straight from the faucet in winter time
Boy does it satisfy.
Five stars if you have good aquifer water, but if you live in a city apartment with bad water it's not good at all (and never gets cold)
I prefer cold water from a stale brita pitcher whose filter hasn’t been changed since 2015 and almost certainly harbors various strains of ecoli. But nevertheless it is quite tasty.
Snickers Protein Bar
Gym was giving out samples. You can imagine my excitement. I love snickers bars, i love protein, I like things that are free. Tasted terrible, like sandy taffy, like someone dropped their gum in the dirt and packaged it. I was unimpressed.
| Texture | |
| Flavor | |
7th Street Burger NYC
Wow. Only 5 things on the menu. No decisions to make, just one incredible cheeseburger. The sauce was mostly pickles and I never knew that was something I wanted. Like if you blended up another cheeseburger and added mayo to turn it into a spread. I feel sick already from how heavy it was but all I want is another one asap.
| Burger | |
| Fries | |
| Fry Sauce | |