chrisjpatty

It’s quite possible they ushered in a bizarre period of relative peace made possible only by the threat of mutually assured destruction. A faustian bargain that may one day come due.

rebeccapatty

Pretty scary. Not too much redeems them but they are probably the least used weapon that humans have ever made and that doesn't count for nothing.

1

chrisjpatty

I'm not above it.

rebeccapatty

It takes forever to get to Cafe Bunn Mi. It’s not even within the borders of what is called “Utah.” It’s in this place that only exists when you go there, but I did go there so it existed for a short time. There was absolutely no parking in the area, which was totally fine because I took an Uber the...

Bread, Vegetables, and Pork
They looked at me and assumed I ordered my sandwich correctly (with jalapenos which then melted my face off)

rebeccapatty

In Rome, I saw the Colosseum, the Pantheon, and the Trevi Fountain but nothing was as quintessentially Italian as seeing the police clear the street only for a huge mortorcade to come by with our new American Pope. There he was in his holy robes, smiling as he gave me a wave. I walked away feeling e...

An Exciting Surprise
He Wears a Funny Robe
He's an Absolute Monarch
He's American

1

rebeccapatty

Coworkers suggested this place on the guarantee that it would be the best Indian food I had ever tried. They claimed transcence from every morsel. It was quite clearly implied from their MS Teams messages that choosing Bombay House for a Coordinators get-together-and-gab would soften my heart from t...

Proximity to Provo, UT
Chicken
Sauce Consistency
Taste

rebeccapatty

Did I ever know her? No. But I also never knew my own grandma. I only have one image of her in my mind's eye, much fuzzier than the larger than life portraits found across Salt Lake County. Growing up I never felt sad to not have knowm my grandma Patty. People would offer condolences shared a decade...

Julia Reagan the Person
Effectiveness of the Ad Campaign

chrisjpatty

Tired of seein’ that old bag

chrisjpatty

Fancy pizza designed by a famous gastronomist. Definitely tasty but lacks the charm of a dingy hole in the wall pizza joint. They have this salad they call "potato chip salad" that's actually kinda not good in a very confusing way. Feels basically like an emperor has no clothes moment where the chef...

chrisjpatty

Kinda bored me honestly. The atmosphere is interesting for a second but it doesn't really go anywhere. A true walking simulator.

grantpatty

Very good walking simulator game based on a 1960s Polish hard sci fi novel. Everything looks so old and Soviet, very lonely desolate vibes. No health or game mechanics really but space still feels tense and threatening the whole time. Looks gorgeous and feels creepy in the best way.

chrisjpatty

It's taken me a while to write this review, I needed a few days after to think about it. When this musical first came out I was in high school, preparing to serve a mission, and I was as mormon as they reasonably come. I remember assuming it was just "anti-mormon" propaganda, but after the church us...

rebeccapatty

A failure of modern shooters are the extensive features. I don't want a complicated UI devoted to leveling up my character. I don't want to have so many attacks that you can button mash your way through the levels. Halo avoids all of this. There are aliens. They are quasi-religious about some myster...

Aliens
Zombies
Cortana
The Arbiter
Couch Rotting Post Graduation

2

jacobpatty

If this trilogy doesn’t deserve 5 stars than nothing does

rebeccapatty

You know when you put earbuds in your pocket and the cords get hopelessly knotted? That happens to my back because I “don’t stretch” and “constantly tense my back.” Anyways, this woman, who is a real hoot and holler, somehow finds every little knot in my back and gets rid of it for me. Anytime I get...

jacobpatty

Disgusting

chrisjpatty

Tasty, but it is the functional equivalent of lighting off a mustard gas bomb in your esophagus. For hours you will breathe noxious clouds of onion thicker than the salt lake inversion. Your desperate swishes of mouth wash will be like spitting on a bonfire. Nothing short of a tracheotomy will end t...

1

chrisjpatty

One of those transcendent works of art that makes you feel like no matter how much you labor and pine, you’ll never create anything of true artistic value in your entire life. Also very jazzy.

chrisjpatty

Not bad. The cinematics are wayyyyyy too long, but the premise and gameplay are actually pretty fun. It made for a great podcast game where I could just zone in and out any time.

grantpatty

Opens with 90 minutes of weird cutscenes before the first real gameplay which turns out to be hauling your mother's corpse up a mountain to be incinerated or else it's explodes in some sort of ghostly nuke thing. Also she was the president of the united states? And there's a little fetus in a jar th...

chrisjpatty

It has been 6 months of the most unwell women you’ve ever seen pawing at each other and never forming a single coherent sentence. It’s like a game show where contestants have to survive high doses of carbon monoxide. There have been phrases spoken on this tour that have now permanently entered my le...

grantpatty

CoD has been scraping the bottom of the barrel for a while but this slop really takes the cake. It's terrible!

chrisjpatty

I was primed not to like this grilled cheese since Rachael had hyped it so much but unfortunately it exceeded my already high expectations. Tragic I know but I think it just barely beats my formerly favorite grilled cheese from Eva’s Bakery.

jacobpatty

I had it once, but I forgot how it tastes

rachaelpatty

Best grilled cheese I have ever eaten. The cheese: cheesy. The sourdough bread: sour. The fried tomatoes: perfection. The only thing that could make it better is a warm and creamy tomato basil soup. But they have that so perfection has actually been achieved. The only criticism I will allow is the...

1

jacobpatty

Great for taking whole things and making them into many things. I use it often, i used it today, i cut some baby carrots in half the long ways, ive been experimenting lately with eating vegetables with mixed results. Anyways, the knife is a great tool for the kitchen and it always nice to know its g...

chrisjpatty

Basically inedible. If RFK is wondering why they use corn syrup in American sodas it’s because all the sugar is going into this key lime pie. Taking a single bite gave me an instant headache. Fed the rest to the garbage.

jacobpatty

Incredible bland and uninspiring. The sort of food that prisoners would turn their nose up at. I finished it for the protein but it was unpleasant the entire time. I wish I could take back having ever bought it. I wish I could take back a lot of things… 2 stars.

rebeccapatty

A road trip is about as American as you can get. Driving through Southern California you can get romantic about the desert and feel like Joan Didion as the desert passes by your window. The desert makes you want to build, to write, become an artist. On the open road you leave your past self behind,...

1

jacobpatty

I would give it 5 stars, but sometimes you miss the people you’ve left behind

chrisjpatty

Probably the best pizza in Salt Lake. Takes forever to get a table unless you plan ahead but generally worth the wait. They really could light this place up a little better. Sometimes it feels like you're eating pizza in a haunted house, but that's not necessarily a bad vibe.

rebeccapatty

Pretty good pizza, not as good as Center Street Pizza in Logan. They take great care to make sure their crust has a good crunch, but that means that the plate isn’t really a plate but more of a bumpy carrying tray as to make sure no moisture gets stuck in the crust. I got a gyro themed pizza which w...

jacobpatty

Good pizza. Their restaurant is too loud though, but what can you do. I guess what you could do though is enact some kind of system of walls made of that foam thats like all triangles, a bunch of gray and black foam triangles, that would quiet that place up real quick. But the problem with that is t...

jacobpatty

They are a good restaurant. I enjoy eating their food. When I go there, I usually have a good time. If I don’t have a good time, it’s rarely the restaurant’s fault, and more just something bad going on in my own life that is totally separate from them. I get the tacos. One time I got a quesadilla. T...

chrisjpatty

Never had a bad time here. Great tacos, great guac. I once witnessed 6 birthday songs in a row here. That’s too many birthday celebrations in the course of 30 minutes but that’s not their fault. If anything it speaks to how good it is that people want to drag their friends and family there for the o...

chrisjpatty

I’ve occasionally gotten takeout from this place but never actually dined in. It was really well decorated and cozy inside and for how good the food is it’s really reasonably priced. I’m biased since I just spent two weeks in New York where the tip option on every register ipad defaults to “your spa...

jacobpatty

Meh

chrisjpatty

Everyone told me this was the best coffee in Salt Lake so I went in with high expectations. That’s on me for thinking an 8oz mocha would blow my mind but it was really just fine nothing special. And let me warn you, their building kinda stinks. Like idk if there’s like a ventilation problem they’re...

chrisjpatty

Always had a soft spot for sad ol’ Eeyore but the Pinocchio pleasure island donkeys still haunt me.

jacobpatty

Just plain stupid. What are we even doing with these guys? It’s like someone took an already dumb horse and turned it’s ‘hee-haw’ levels up past 11. Just a bunch of incredibly unserious nonsense. It’s time to get real guys.

jacobpatty

They’re fine i guess, but I’m never impressed by them. It’s like mashed potatoes in a fleshy gogurt tube with a flavor that is somehow both incredibly distinct and extraordinarily meh. I don’t want them to go extinct but if they did it wouldn’t ruin my day. If that happened I probably wouldn’t find...

rebeccapatty

I've got a whole stack of various supplements I take every night. Sure, half of them are probably a form of modern day snake oil, but I'm deeply invested into my placebos. Let me preach about the good word of curcumin, 5-methylfolate, and magnesium malate. Let me suggest a supplement for your every...

chrisjpatty

God's pastry truly.

chrisjpatty

Felt like a time capsule of a simpler time in the 2000’s. The overall theme seems to be “Maybe the baddies are good if you look at it the right way”. That’s a totally reasonable message in the cultural context of a world that was actively debating Islam in America, gay marriage, whether or not to go...

Music
Set design
Story

chrisjpatty

Every play should be a little weirdo’s silly bit that got out of hand and made it on Broadway somehow.

rachaelpatty

Surpassed all expectations that I didn’t even have

chrisjpatty

A little overwhelming but has its charms for sure.

rebeccapatty

Worse than finals, because at least there are no classes during finals and once you submit your essays and tests then you are actually done. Midterms you have to also be going to class, working on homework, and taking tests. Plus, your professors have all conspired to keep you at your desk when all...

chrisjpatty

Squeaky as hell!

chrisjpatty

Great place to loudly live review 18th century paintings to the benefit of all within earshot.

chrisjpatty

Really intriguing and moving in a way I didn’t really expect. Saying something meaningful in the medium of video games is really difficult, but the Kryatzes managed to pull it off. It’s so rare to see media about techno optimism, and seeing a valorization of man over nature felt extremely refreshing...

grantpatty

A great sequel to a great puzzle game, though it lacks the moody mysterious loneliness of the original it makes up for it in the new mechanics that make the first game feel like tic tac toe.

rachaelpatty

So I was given this cupcake at my basketball game because it was a teammates bday. I didn’t want it right away so I placed it in the cup holder. Then I went to Raising Canes for dinner, got my chicken and lemonade and made it home. I had quite a few things to carry out of the car so I balanced my cu...

rebeccapatty

Some people drink black coffee, I eat plain greek yogurt. You can dress it up with a little avocado oil, vanilla extract, and a few pieces of fresh or freeze dried fruit. The real secret is that this yogurt tastes the same as sour cream, but you can get away with eating it because yogurt is socially...

jacobpatty

Just plain yogurt? More like just plain awful. Only edible if you do a bunch of extra work that Fage refused to do, like adding berries and jam or crumbling up cookies with chocolate chips to mix in. honestly tho you could do without the yogurt friend and just have a chocolate chip cookie as god int...

1

AliKehoePatty

Full-fat yogurt is a gift. The range she has!! Sour is criminally underused in American cuisine, and a dollop of full-fat dairy can elevate even the most basic soups and dips to the sublime. Equally adept in both sweet and savory contexts, I could not and would not cook without full-fat yogurt. Thin...

1

chrisjpatty

They poisoned me. Not a bad burger really but unfortunately I was poisoned by them.

jacobpatty

Really good, the regular glazed donut was warm and delicious, it’s everything you would want a donut shop to be. Thought about giving it 4 and a half stars but I thought, what, am I waiting for God’s donut?

jacobpatty

Tasty with meatballs, and fried onions and peppers

rebeccapatty

I’m always getting a little snacky around Christopher’s apartment, and he always says, “Why don’t you have some Trader Joe’s Squiggly Noodles with Soy & Sesame Sauce?” And listen, the taste is fine but it’s all starch, no substance. I could see this being the base of a dish but it at least needs som...

chrisjpatty

These are the absolute perfect drunk food. Stumbling in at 2:00 am and need something starchy to soak up the booze? Boom, 7 minutes later and you’ve got yourself a meal. I pair it with the”Fly By Jing” Sichuan Chili Crisp for a little extra flavor and spice. Trader Joe knows how to prevent a hangove...

jacobpatty

Sounds cool but there is always room for improvement

rebeccapatty

He’s just a real honest guy, your average red state American type. A Baptist, a Marine Corp vet, loves his wife and kid. This guy’ll talk you for a long time about life, and you feel like you’ve been invited to have a cold one with the boys. He also always shows me how he’s fixing my house and then...

jacobpatty

Really turns down a cold/flu/covid by like 40%.

chrisjpatty

I have so far never been let down by this place. Everything on the menu tastes very fresh and it’s tucked away nicely in the avenues. It can be hard to get a table without a reservation and it’s a bit on the pricier side, but portions are large so I usually end up just splitting a few large starters...

chrisjpatty

Basically identical to the last one.

rebeccapatty

Really a great burger, but it's true. You're either going to have to do calculus to decide if they'll be open when you arrive, or go off the vibe that they'll probably be closed when you think it's a normal time to get burger. You can tell that they don't really want you to come visit their restaura...

chrisjpatty

This might be my favorite burger place in all of Salt Lake. Are the floors oddly sticky and the benches graffitied? Yes. Will it take 30 minutes minimum to get your order and in the meantime will you be harassed by any number of marauding local youths? Yes and yes. Despite its flaws if you threw one...

rachaelpatty

On 3 very separate occasions I have attempted to go to California burger, one of which I convinced my coworkers it would better than crown burger, only to find them closed. While they keep odd hours to begin with, they seem to be randomly closed. Why do they make it so difficult?

jacobpatty

Good

chrisjpatty

I was pretty surprised how bad this place was. The food was expensive and it had the vibe of a casual upscale brunch house, but every dish can only be described as entirely flavorless. Like in an almost impressive way. Most restaurants that I don’t like I don’t know exactly how to make the food bett...

rebeccapatty

Unless you are a DC political science nerd or economist, playing this game is an exercise in watching Grant play the game through your hands. It's going to involve a lot of leaning over and letting Grant peak at your cards, and then seeing a twinkle of joy in the eyes of your oldest brother as he fo...

grantpatty

The best 18xx train game around. A few simple changes from the stock rules of 1830 leads to an incredible 4 hour brain melter. Deeply strategic stock trading meets unforgiving track engineering. Perfect.

AliKehoePatty

It’s a neat trick, but summoning a soul from the abyss is not without its discomforts. Lately among them: not being able to get out of bed without a system of pulleys and levers, forgetting where I parked the car, missing my husband when he leaves the room

jacobpatty

It’s lite but filling with 43 grams of protein, tastes good enough, an all around good buy. Was slightly annoyed though that apparently the city creek chick fil a no longer has a curbside pickup in the parking garage. I had to get out in my slippers, and i also wasnt wearing a belt, and go up the el...

chrisjpatty

Not bad

jacobpatty

Solid hike, not too far, cool thing at the end, neat views of the mountains along the way. It pairs well with a small bag of cinnamon brown sugar cashews and a room temperature water bottle I had to make last the whole way. The waterfall water looked good enough to drink, clear and cool and just beg...

chrisjpatty

I really wanted to like this album. I’m a contrarian by nature and seeing people decide ahead of time that it would be bad because they dislike Katy Perry for obscure sociopolitical reasons had me primed to call it a masterpiece, but there’s maybe 3 songs on this album total that even deserve a repe...

grantpatty

The best. Love her.

grantpatty

Sloppy wet bread, a nice hot dough to mush against the roof of your mouth, though ultimately unsatisfying. Won't be having again.

rachaelpatty

Albanese has got it figured out. I’ve always enjoyed their other products, however the sour gummi bears are a whirlwind of flavor. Each little bear is coated in a delightfully sour substance that hits the tongue with a shock. And once you bite into one, the sour just keeps going, aided by various wa...

chrisjpatty

Watching Rebecca consume this bog water has made me physically ill on multiple occasions.

jacobpatty

Never personally tried it but I don’t see why that should matter.

rebeccapatty

The morning sludge is the perfect breakfast and has been for the last three years. It's chocolate-macadamia nut, which is surprisingly much better than the typical chocolate-peanut butter you find in most protein supplement meals. It's mostly fat and protein, so it's definitely best enjoyed as a sip...

rebeccapatty

We got seated in this side room and apparently they’ll only feed you certain meals depending on where you sit. I was sitting in direct sunlight and could hardly see anything. The breakfast sandwich I got was delicious but it was also the spiciest food to be eating while absolutely baking in the hot...

chrisjpatty

This place used to low-key kinda suck. It was crazy expensive and had mediocre food. But about a year ago they changed their menu up and dropped a lot of the prices and now it's one of my regular haunts. The food is pretty good now but they still have a really confusing setup inside where one half...

chrisjpatty

An absolutely perverted candy. Each one comes with a dry and chewy outer casing that is edible but can be peeled back to reveal a solid sticky mass on the inside. Sort of like if a candy was designed by H. R. Giger. Can't believe it made it out of committee. Loved every second of it.

jacobpatty

It’s fine but not amazing

jacobpatty

Dry as hell

rebeccapatty

Colds used to be exciting as a kid. Your mom would make you soup and you would get the whole house to yourself during the day. You could play Xbox as long as you wanted, and if your cough sounded wet enough you would get the next day off of school too. As an adult, you just have to lay around feeli...

Stuffy Nose
Runny Nose
Being Sent to the Leper Colony
Cough Drops
Chicken Noodle Soup

jacobpatty

Really good for driving. Make a man feel as though one of these days God’s punishment will come both just and swift but it ain’t today, today you can just keep on driving.

chrisjpatty

I really wanted to like these but they were waaaaaay too thick. Kind of like eating a BBQ cracker. Tasty though. Put this flavor on a better potato and you got an A+ chip but alas.

Taste
Texture

jacobpatty

They had an odd bbq flavor i didn't like, but the texture was great, just the perfect amount of thickness.

Taste
Texture

chrisjpatty

I made this site so by all rights I should give it 5 stars, but there's a certain level of narcissism involved in spending an ungodly amount of time making a site to catalog mine and my family's opinions so I'm taking a star off as penance.

jacobpatty

I like it, but I can’t give it a full 5 stars because there is a part of me, a very small amount though, that feels just a tiny little bit narcissistic about thinking me and my family members have the most interesting opinions on everything.

grantpatty

We're right about everything so of course this is 5/5

rachaelpatty

Perfect for anyone who’s ever thought “the Pattys have the best opinions on everything, I wish I had a catalog of everything they’ve ever had an opinion on”

chrisjpatty

It would be half a star, but it does involve having a fun bonfire and that doesn’t count for nothing.

rebeccapatty

I wish half the days in a week were rainy days and we didn't have to go to work. You get to invite friends over for a good soup meal, a chat by the window, and don't get me started on how exciting it is to drive in the rain when the droplets hit your car with just the right amount of intensity and y...

Anticipatory Comfort
Sound
Worms

grantpatty

Great little spot two blocks from my house. Can't get food this cheap and good in DC, gotta go out to Virginia

rachaelpatty

The access to Chicfila is finally clear. Not an orange cone in sight, to any one who’s nearsighted at least. And all I really care about is getting that sweet, sweet sauce pumped into my system as quickly as possible.

chrisjpatty

The traffic hasn't affected me in the slightest as I do not live there. Chick-fil-a is on this street so how could it be bad?

rachaelpatty

So I guess they’re trying to improve the road and sidewalks, but it’s been months and I’m not a road expert but what from what I can tell it’s worse than before. The city should pay for everyone to get their Chicfila delivered, or just mine if everyone’s is too expensive, so we don’t have to go on t...

Convenience
Smoothness
Efficiency

rachaelpatty

Rebecca refuses to like anything on Twitter but when you tell her a funny little anecdote she says “oh yeah I saw your tweet”

jacobpatty

Yeah, it has gone down hill fo sho.

chrisjpatty

Basically Facebook at this point.

grantpatty

Not nearly as fun as it used to be.

rebeccapatty

I basically only read my siblings tweets. Then I pretend that I'm not even on social media these days even though I send them likes. So far I have fooled them.

chrisjpatty

I ate here with my coworkers so I’m biased by the fact that it was free, however, this was the best bowl of ramen I have ever had my god. The pig in my soup should feel HONORED to have been served to me enrobed as he was. I unfortunately must knock off a star from an otherwise 5 star experience for...

grantpatty

A nice mellow sound that rounds out the brass section. Not the star of the show but doesn't need to be. An honest instrument.

jacobpatty

I understand it has its place in an orchestra or whatever, but frankly its a little lame. And what weirdo designed it so you’re forced to put your fist in it as you play? It is nice in that one neil young song but thats about it. A heyday of literally one song in 1970. Even in concert young uses a...

chrisjpatty

Like if a trumpet married a tumbleweed. Completely ridiculous instrument, big fan.

chrisjpatty

Ragtrader is a bar in Midtown. Pretty good drinks but pricey, and they seemed to make them a bit too fast. You know how when something good gets made a little too quickly and you're left wondering, "What corners did you cut to do that without a couple extra minutes?" It was that sort of experience....

chrisjpatty

I prefer cold water from a stale brita pitcher whose filter hasn’t been changed since 2015 and almost certainly harbors various strains of ecoli. But nevertheless it is quite tasty.

grantpatty

Five stars if you have good aquifer water, but if you live in a city apartment with bad water it's not good at all (and never gets cold)

jacobpatty

Boy does it satisfy.

jacobpatty

Gym was giving out samples. You can imagine my excitement. I love snickers bars, i love protein, I like things that are free. Tasted terrible, like sandy taffy, like someone dropped their gum in the dirt and packaged it. I was unimpressed.

Texture
Flavor

jacobpatty

Delicious.

chrisjpatty

Wow. Only 5 things on the menu. No decisions to make, just one incredible cheeseburger. The sauce was mostly pickles and I never knew that was something I wanted. Like if you blended up another cheeseburger and added mayo to turn it into a spread. I feel sick already from how heavy it was but all I...

Burger
Fries
Fry Sauce